Asleep with one eye open...: 31.12.14

At this time of year, it's not uncommon to cast your mind back to where you were and what you were doing 365 days earlier. It occurred to me that this is a great opportunity to share with you the series of hilarious events that led up to birth of my daughter Ella, whose first birthday we are preparing to celebrate on Thursday, a fact I can barely wrap my head around. Sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. It's pretty funny.

The birthday girl, on her throne. Woo!

December 31st, 2013 - Tel Aviv, Israel

Another day in the office. Heading into work on foot, like I always did, after dropping my son Judah at daycare, my husband Ilan sent me a text message reminding me I'd had another hard night coughing, and that I needed to sit down with my boss to explain that though my due date was two weeks off, I might need to start my maternity leave early since I simply wasn't shaking this bout of sinusitis/tonsilitis.

I nodded and switched on my music, revelling in my 25 minute walk, the most alone time I was afforded during the day.

Throughout the course of that morning, my friend Einat, the company graphic designer, kept telling me to go home, lest I cough the baby out on the floor, sweetheart that she is. I made a cup of tea, smiled and thought I'd act upon my husband's text message. I popped my head into the marketing managers' door and sat down. Slowly. I was 105 weeks pregnant, after all.

To my luck, pregnancy was the name of the game at that time at work. I, the head of business relations and not that anyone else knew, but Einat the graphic designer were all pregnant, as was the wife of google optimiser in our team. My boss, whom I was about to plead with, also had a pregnant wife at home. Surely he'd be sympathetic, understanding, at a minimum, fair. But to my disbelief, he basically begged with me to stay at least one more week, since they hadn't yet found an adequate replacement and there were too many sensitive items on my "to do" list. To bolster his argument, he brought in the CEO who gave me a whole "you're very hard to replace" spiel and I eventually just nodded and smiled and started thinking about lunch and how I was going to explain this to Ilan.

Lunchtime came and I went and got hummus with extra spicy pickles with my friend Eli. Mmmmm hummus. As was our office custom at the time, we all ate together, and as of late, everyone laid out their bet of when which baby would arrive first. Einat had been convinced that NYE was my date but lo and behold there I was at the table. She moved me up to Jan 5th, even though my date was the 12th, but she and Ruth, the head of media and mother of two, reminded me that second kids come earlier.

Whatevs. I really enjoyed those pickles. Hummus was a good choice, Eli.

After lunch we took a birthday picture for Anat, our affiliate manager, wishing her a happy birthday and sent it to her on her vacation in Europe. I couldn't even sit down properly on the couch where we gathered to take the picture. My team laughed at me.

The day went by as per usual, and I wished my friends happy new year as I headed out the door to pick up my son. On the way home my husband called to say he wasn't feeling 100%, so would stay home with our son tonight rather than get a babysitter and join me at my best friend Gemma's NYE party. I impressed upon him the fact this might be our last chance to go out together for a while; he said nah, we've got time, relax.

After our usual snack and play at the park with friends, I headed home with my son, fed, bathed and put him to bed and headed off to Gem's party. A workmate of my husband's stopped by just before I left to borrow our baby car seat for a visiting family member. He kept asking "are you sure you guys don't need it?" but we were both confident that there was no rush; I wasn't due for two weeks and was heading out partying anyway.

So off I went to south Tel Aviv, where the cool kids live, far more exciting than where we were living, babytown Old North Tel Aviv. The bus ride is about 25 minutes depending on traffic and the bus was pretty full. I was wearing a heavy cardigan and jacket and was immersed in my phone. There wasn't much room on the bus so I decided to stay towards the front near the driver rather than head into the mess. Maybe two stops from where I needed to alight, the 60-some-year old woman who had been sitting in the front seat (usually reserved for elderly, frail and pregnant folk) starts yelling at me in Hebrew for having stood the whole trip; she couldn't see I was pregnant under the jacket how she supposed to know? Why did I make her do that?

Israelis tend to be hilarious like that.

I got to my friends apartment and was greeted warmly, had my jacket taken and I recounted my bus story. This was appreciated by friends but no one more so than my friend Elana (Lan), who was due just a few weeks after me. We sat on the couch and ate the best party food, discussing how much we were looking forward to going to bed soonish and how stupidly people behave towards pregnant women. I laughed at something she said and excused myself to go to the bathroom, like I did every 20 minutes or so.

Except when I got there I realised I didn't need to pee; my water had broken. It was 9pm.

I think my absolutely clearest memory of that night was sitting there chuckling to myself about how textbook this was. And how I totally hadn't finished packing my hospital bag. And then rifing through Gem's medicine cabinet trying to find a pad. Because that would really help right now.

I walked back into the party to see Gem and Lan deep in discussion, and some odd part of me decided to be super polite and wait patiently until they were done, about three minutes later. From what must have been a silly grin on my face, they both asked me "what's up" and I mentioned hey, my water broke so I should probably go now.

Y'think?

So off we went. I texted Ilan quickly to say my water had broken, could he call his sister (to take Judah for the night), oh and finish packing my bag. Please and thanks.

Lan and her husband, Uri, had parked right outside and helped whisk me out the door. For reasons I think only Uri can explain, we took a relatively scenic route home via Sde Dov airport, and Lan kept impressing upon me that I should take my time, shower, lie down a bit, make a sandwich - labor can take hours. I nodded and smiled, definitely thinking a shower was in order considering the Yarkon river was running down my jeans and apologised repeatedly for ruining their car upholstery. As I got out of the car, she squeezed my hand, smiled and said "you'll be great - keep me updated."

I walked in the front door to find Ilan in a mild state of happy panic, which was probably really minor shock. His sister, Ronit, arrived a few minutes later and we bundled Jude out of bed to start our adventure. There was no time for a shower or even a change of pants, much to my dismay. But you gotta go with the flow, literally. Ronit was grinning and so excited, and mentioned how calm I seemed. Which I was - contractions hadn't really started and I found the water breaking part just so proscribed I giggled. But then I realized I hadn't packed my medical forms, which the labor team needs. So they dropped me at the entrance of the hospital with my bag and raced home to get my folder.

9.45pm and I'm sitting out the front of Lis, Ichilov's maternity hospital, playing on my phone, appreciating the cool night air, knowing I'm going to be stuck inside for a little while. In the yellow shadow of the streetlight, I suddenly notice drops on the ground and realize I should perhaps head inside. I've leaked right through my pants.

Very good.

I sit down at the front desk and explain I'm there because my water broke so you know, admit me. These veteran nurses, who see this every moment of every day, are not moved. I fill out the paperwork quietly and patiently and explain my husband just popped home to get my medical forms, he should be in any minute. I head off to do a few tests, play on my phone a little more, and take a seat in the waiting room, looking like I've rightly pissed myself (serves me right for wearing olive green maternity jeans). Ilan eventually arrives, a little paler than usual, to find me in the waiting room chatting to my friend Tanya who lives in Haifa, who had just called to say happy new year, what are you up to and I mention I'm at the hospital etc.

Keep you posted. Cheers.

For the next hour or so, Ilan and I waited, watched and basically laughed. Maybe out of nerves, maybe out of boredom. Because of his addiction to it at the time, and the fact we weren't totally square on the name, he kept referring to the baby as "candy crush" and I kept threatening divorce. At this point I'm sitting in a puddle and starting to have contractions. It's 11.15 and I still haven't been seen, and it seems like every woman in Tel Aviv is going into labor. The nurses are chatting in a corner and wishing mazal tov to a guy whose wife delivered in seven minutes. Isn't that swell? Ilan suddenly jumps up and gets a nurses attention, drawing attention to the fact that we're up to our ankles in amniotic fluid, little help? And so I was seen.

So I'm finally on a bed and being examined. Two centimetres they tell me, you're ok, and tend to other patients. Ilan and I return to the candy crush debate, and the fact they can't seem to read my paperwork properly, and why is this guy besties with the nurses? We laughed some more, checked in with Ronit to see that Judah was asleep, and then suddenly it began to hurt.

I mean seriously, hurt.

The nurse comes to check me to tell me I'm actually seven centimetres dilated and let's get you upstairs. Ok cool. Off we go. Except something, which I'm yet to find out, happened and I was left in the middle of the lobby by the orderlies taking me to the elevator for about ten minutes. Literally, next to the front desk, about 10 feet from the front door. Covered in a sheet, now soaking wet with all sorts of nasty stuff. And my body splitting in two. And no one doing anything.

By chance, a midwife was walking by and seemed to recognize me, and noticed my predicament. She was in fact the first midwife on shift when my son was born, though she hadn't seen me through to the end, she clearly recognized me in that state. She came over, told me to breathe and managed to get orderlies to get me upstairs. I'm not 100% sure she was on duty but from that moment she was. She stayed by my side and made them open up a new room for me. As the lights and equipment were turned on she started asking me questions and looking at my paperwork. She asked if I wanted an epidural, to which I responded "please God yes now" but then informed me with a chuckle as she checked under the sheet that it's a little late, we can see the baby's head.

That was the moment I got scared.

I wasn't scared for the baby - it was clear to me she knew exactly what she was doing and had plans. Ilan looked at me with a great big smile and said "ok here we go - squeeze my hand if it hurts!" and I thought I'd murder him once I came to because I was clearly about to fall unconscious and what the hell was he smiling about the universe was making its way out of my lady parts. I wasn't prepared for this and really wasn't sure I could maintain consciousness. I was suddenly so dizzy and hot and parched. I barked at Ilan to get me water and drop it on my head, which he did after I noticed he was shaking out the broken bones in his hand. The midwife and another off duty nurse who came by to help were encouraging me to push and I apparently was, though I don't recall having the strength to do so. After what felt like the most painful 30 seconds of anyone's life, ever, they told me to stop pushing, and I was terrified. Why stop? What's happening?

The world went silent and froze.

And then the most gorgeous goo-covered, mop-headed, angry little smurf entered the world, was placed upon my belly, then my chest, and made her own way to the mummy buffet.

12.15am, January 1, 2014.

Ella my love, Daddy, Judah and I haven't stopped smiling since the second you were born. Thank you so much for choosing us. We'll do our best to make sure there are fireworks in your honor every year. Happy first birthday baby girl.